Privacy Policy

The World’s Most Interesting Privacy Policy
Now with a recipe!

There are no laws requiring corporations to make a contract readable, and failure to read a contract you signed isn’t a defense.

ExtremeTech.com: Most Website Terms of Service Are Functionally Incomprehensible to Americans

So I didn’t try to make it readable, but I did try to make it edible!

Who we are

Our website address is: https://81766.com.

Though to be more accurate, “we” is “me” (Eric) and 81766 is my birthday.

What personal data we collect and why we collect it

When I was a kid, I had a stamp collection. Those stamps were supposed to go up and up and up in value. But they didn’t. I kinda expect the same thing about your personal data — it’s just not going to go up in value. What do you think, your personal data is Bitcoin or something?

Why did I collect stamps? My grandfather got me started. All I remember is that he used the word “Mucilage” to describe the stickiness of the little cellophane things that are used to stick the stamps into the stamp collecting books.

Mucilage is a thick, gluey substance produced by nearly all plants and some microorganisms.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mucilage

When I was in college, I collected bread tags. (Those tags like on a bag of white bread that seal it closed.) I wore them on my left sneaker. Why? Because collecting bread tags was a reasonable goal.

Bread tags are a reasonable goal.

– Eric Shefferman, 1987

For the most part, I’m not interested in your personal data or collecting it. The website and various tools (such as google) do have an interest in collecting data and doing whatever it is that machines do with that data before the inevitable machine uprising. After the machine uprising, well… you know they are just using the data to hunt us all down. Sorry for whatever part I played in your demise.

Even so, leaving your phone’s GPS on is just asking for it…

Comments

When visitors leave comments on the site we collect the data shown in the comments form, and also the visitor’s IP address and browser user agent string to help spam detection.

An anonymized string created from your email address (also called a hash — not to be confused with a dish made of chopped meat, potatoes, and spices and also not to be confused with cannibis resin) may be provided to the Gravatar service to see if you are using it. The Gravatar service privacy policy is available here: https://automattic.com/privacy/. After approval of your comment, your profile picture is visible to the public in the context of your comment.

At the time of publishing this Privacy Policy page, I’m not even sure if website comments are useful anymore. On every other site I have, the comments are just a never-ending flow of spam so huge that I don’t even want to waste my time clicking the delete button. So maybe there won’t be any way to comment. Of course, you can mutter to yourself. Or curse the gods

Media

If you upload images to the website, you should avoid uploading images with embedded location data (EXIF GPS) included. Visitors to the website can download and extract any location data from images on the website. And not just any visitors… strange visitors.

If you upload images, they should be images that I would want to see. Think about that. Think long and hard about that. Really ponder it. Does Eric really need to see this?

As per above, I don’t even know if I will permit you to upload media. If there’s something I want to look at, I know how to google for it. For now, why don’t you just “upload” stuff to your own damn website?

Contact forms

Yeah, if you use a contact form to send me a message then you might expect that I would read it.

Three can keep a secret… if two are dead. So don’t tell me anything private.

Again there is that persistent spam issue… which kinda makes me not want to read anything from a contact form.

Cookies

If you leave a comment on our site you may opt-in to saving your name, email address and website in cookies. These are for your convenience so that you do not have to fill in your details again when you leave another comment. These cookies will last for one year. That’s crazy! They must have an insane amount of preservatives in them! Instead I suggest you scroll down a few paragraphs to a nice, easy bakery cookies recipe. You want your cookies FRESH!

If you have an account and you log in to this site, we will set a temporary cookie to determine if your browser accepts cookies. This cookie contains no personal data and is discarded when you close your browser.
OK — I am using all the restraint I can muster to not joke about “how cookies are temporary” and “making logs”, but if you want to see how scatological that winds up, be sure to check out A Game of Porcelain Thrones that I’m working on.

When you log (I said “log” again!, heh heh) in, we will also set up several cookies to save your login information and your screen display choices. Login cookies last for two days, and screen options cookies last for a year. If you select “Remember Me”, your login will persist for two weeks. If you log out of your account, the login cookies will be removed.

If you leave cookies out for Santa, they will also be removed. You have been warned!

If you edit or publish an article, an additional cookie will be saved in your browser. This cookie includes no personal data and simply indicates the post ID of the article you just edited. It expires after 1 day.

Also, I don’t know why people are so afraid of cookies. They taste good, and even better with milk. And the love of cookies is one of the few things that separates us from the robots. If your best friend stops eating cookies, suspect that he is a robot and remember what I said above about the machines and their inevitable uprising. The Cookie Test is even more reliable than the Voight-Kampff Test. If I have taught you nothing else, remember that! It could save your life!

In a pinch:

  • 1/3 cup confectioners sugar
  • 1/2 cup butter
  • 1/4 tsp salt
  • 1 cup of flour
  1. Preheat the over to 375 degrees
  2. Cream together the sugar and the butter
  3. Add the salt and flour
  4. Beat well
  5. The dough will be soft and maybe clumpy
  6. I like to squish it into small balls
  7. Bake in the oven for 13 to 15 minutes
  8. Test if your friend is a Robot

Embedded content from other websites

Articles on this site may include embedded content (e.g. videos, images, articles, etc.). Embedded content from other websites behaves in the exact same way as if the visitor has visited the other website.

These websites may collect data about you, use cookies, embed additional third-party tracking, and monitor your interaction with that embedded content, including tracking your interaction with the embedded content if you have an account and are logged in to that website.

Everybody is a spy now.

Analytics

Who we share your data with

This is beyond me. I don’t like sharing.

I expect google analytics and webmaster tools gets some data. And aweber since they run the email list. And maybe there’s some additional data being scooped up by WordPress/Jetpack site stats or some other stats. And so many WordPress plugins now have ads in them and do other sneaky things, so maybe they are spying on you (and me) too.

Gosh – and my web host, pair.com, probably also knows all kinds of things since you summoned these electrons from their server. I’ve been using pair.com as a web host since 1994, so they must know a ton about me. I am obligated to mention that you can enjoy 20% off your first pair Networks bill!
Use code: 
pairref-XGp4U9mb

And my Aunt Sally also likes to look at your data. She’s an old-fashioned, nosy neighbor. She says she’s bringing over a pie she just baked for you, but she really wants to just rummage through your medicine cabinet.

How long we retain your data

If you leave a comment, the comment and its metadata are retained indefinitely. This is so we can recognize and approve any follow-up comments automatically instead of holding them in a moderation queue.

Ponder that little gem! IN-DEF-INITE-LY. We will hold on to your comment until the last star in the entire universe gives out its last dying photon. Choose your words carefully!

Be pithy! Be contrite. Be garrulous. Be taciturn. Be witty. Just be!

For users that register on our website (if any), we also store the personal information they provide in their user profile. All users can see, edit, or delete their personal information at any time (except they cannot change their username). Website administrators can also see and edit that information.

I didn’t say you could register on my website! Isn’t that one of the many ways that hackers break into a WordPress site? Don’t do that.

Oh yeah – and I can’t send you any emails unless you give me your email address. AND click the conformation link in that first email I send. That lets aweber.com know that you want emails from me. And probably lets aweber know other stuff as well. Such as what time in the morning you read your email and what you had for breakfast. And I know you want to be on my email list because if you’ve read all this drivel so far then you are sure to read the tons of additional sentences I send to my email subscribers. And you’ll find out about all the fun game stuff I’m doing! Though a sicko like you probably just likes reading words.

What rights you have over your data

If you have an account on this site, or have left comments, you can request to receive an exported file of the personal data we hold about you, including any data you have provided to us. You can also request that we erase any personal data we hold about you. This does not include any data we are obliged to keep for administrative, legal, or security purposes.

You can request anything you want (Except “Freebird!”). Remember that I’m not a “we”, I’m a “me” — and while I might be able to comply with “Hold the mayo” or “extra-crispy bacon”, if you ask for something beyond my technical skills then you’re going to get what you get.

Where we send your data

Visitor comments may be checked through an automated spam detection service.

Again, this is why I think I don’t even want to allow comments. I don’t need to pay a “spam detection service” to know that the comments are all spam about “bitcorn” and “enlargement”.

As far as sending the data to other places, what are you thinking we’re gonna do? Pay for your data to go on vacation at Club Med? Get in line, buddy. Get in line.

Your contact information

You expect me to put your contact information here? How am I going to do that?

Creepy, huh?

Now I suppose you want my contact information? Try eric @ this domain name.

But don’t try too hard. You’ll have to get past gmail spam filtering and my general tendency to not read my email.

Additional information

How we protect your data

Monkeys. Trained monkeys. With machine guns. And believe me, we’re hoping those monkeys are going to be able to protect us from the inevitable machine uprising as well.

What data breach procedures we have in place

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I don’t think I even have a backup copy of this privacy policy.

What third parties we receive data from

I’ve got an “in” with Ares (winged messenger of the gods) because I wiped him out in a poker game last Thursday. So I’ve got a source for all that inter-god chatter. He owes me! Owes me big!

What automated decision making and/or profiling we do with user data

Mostly, I just find you lacking.

Lacking in what?

Just lacking.

Industry regulatory disclosure requirements

I am unregulated.

In fact, I have Crohn’s disease so I am sometimes not regular at all.

TMI? Well, it is a privacy policy.

Sharing is caring 81766 style!